a babble of sorts

Why do I feel so confined? So unsure of writing….on a blog. What to I share? What do I keep to myself? Who cares? Will anyone read it? Does anyone care what is going on in my life? Do I keep it positive? Or do I include some of the darker thoughts and feelings? Oh come on, we all have em…but so many people deny them or keep, are afraid to share them, keep them locked up insided…but I am one to know that it keeping it in can be so damaging…afterall that is what I’ve done most of my life….and sometimes I like to be able to explore the darkness in myself and others…it adds depth to a person…I have a fuller understanding of myself if I do not fear and repress it…or myself…over time I am emerging, freeing myself from the bondage of my past…but it has shaped me and will always be a part of me….

I met a girl a while back who was also an ex-mormon. In fact I know quite a lot of them…but this one in particular was so positive about it…had decided it was no longer for her, but accepted and was glad that she was raised in it. Sometimes I wish I could have that kind of outlook on my upbringing. But I have to be honest with myself. I see value in the way my parents raised me and the ‘ideals’ of the mormon church, but still feel I was so damaged by it that the fight to leave it, start life pretty much from scratch defines me, who I am, who I have become.

Sometimes I wish I could be more carefree, care less about my grades, my life direction, just surrender to what life is in that moment. Which I do do often. Haha. Doodoo…But then I feel this need, his pressure to do more, be more…have it all planned out, or at least have an idea of all the possible options before me. Despite my angst and the stress that creeps up on me when I think about all the shit I really gotta get done to, for example, finish my degree…and figure out what to do after the SCA gig in the Everglades… I really am enjoying life... I mean really, I’m living in a tropical clime, working a job I’m learning so much from and helping to restore one of the most internationally recognized wetlands in the world, getting to play on hot sandy beaches, canoe stinky but gorgeous mangroves, dress up as HID queen to celebrate not only our Birthdays, but Oktoberfest, Jules’s goodbye, and Halloween, crash bachelor parties in key west, go out on the town on South beach with VIP passes…to live, laugh, and love the people I’m meeting along the way…

Can that not be enough for me?!?! In some ways it is, but as a transient, it’s always changing and that can be tough. I miss the consistency of constant friends to eat with, laugh with, study in bikinis (or boxers) with, play dress up with, dance with…and oh how I miss the penis dance of my twin spirit!

As I write, I can’t help but notice on how this reflects on my libra self… always weighing both sides, seeking a balance…